The last reflection I wrote was for Thanksgiving 2006 while I was in the States. Now that time seems such a distant memory, and my family there seem so far away. We live with the hope of again returning and sharing some special times together that we will forever treasure in our hearts.
This has been a tough week for me at work, on the back of a tough few months. Yesterday I said ‘Goodbye’ to a patient who could have been my daughter, born only a week before my daughter, Bec. This week I sat each day comforting her parents, all the while thanking God it was not me in their situation. It was heartbreaking; all I could promise was a comfortable death for their only daughter. A daughter they will never see married or have children as I have been privileged to do. A daughter who wanted to live, to keep her dignity and her independence; just like my Bec would want to do. Each time I said her name, my grand-daughters face would flash in front of me and each afternoon as I left I would see them look at me like they longed to be able to leave their nightmare behind them too. I am convinced that losing a child is the hardest road to travel, it is one I can identify with and I know this journey and pain for these parents will continue for years to come. In my heart I cry with them. When I got in the lift yesterday I knew in my heart that before I come back Monday, they will take the lift one last time and leave their ‘little girl’ behind.
It was one of those days I wanted to come home and hold Bec close, just because I could. I wanted to see Katelyn’s face and hear her little laugh because I am a grandmother and a mother. Instead the ordinary things of life crept in, like an appointment to the accountant for our annual tax assessment. I arrived home, secretly hoping for an email that would lift my spirits, but instead there was one that made me sad. I can appreciate and understand that the world that I work in every day is not one that touches outside lives and I try as much as I can to shield my family and friends from this world of heartbreak and pain, but sometimes I wish they could take the lessons from another’s suffering. The most important lesson is that ‘tomorrows’ are not guaranteed. The moments God gives us are in the everyday, in watching our children grow, in sharing life and loving together. The things that come to divide us will one day mean nothing when someone dies. Some battles are just not worth engaging in. In my life, I have encountered a lot of death, the death of loved ones as well as the death of many patients. I can remember clearly when my Dad died when I had just turned 13. It may have been expected but the pain was raw and I grieved for a long time, this grief continues on as special events occur like weddings and the birth of my children and my brother’s children too. Dad would have given anything to be able to have shared these moments with us. In the jigsaw of life, when we experience the death of a loved one, we lose so many pieces, and they are ongoing. They can never be replaced and there will always be moments like today, where you long for them to be here to hold you and ease the pain that your heart is experiencing.
Another Milestone
In 3 weeks time, Roderick and I celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We have loved each other for over 30 years. We have endured the difficulties, and survived against the odds. We have enjoyed many wonderful years, and been blessed beyond measure by a God who has comforted us, continually loved us and redeemed to us the years the locust had eaten. There were times when we were self absorbed and too busy to care, unable to see our relationship and home deteriorating before us. We are grateful that God turned this around for us and today we are sharing the best years of our lives together. Our children (and grand-daughter) are our greatest legacy. We are so proud of the adults they have matured into. Watching Bec mother Katelyn brings me enormous pride, because as a mother, you hope and pray that your daughter will be all that God has called her to be and more. I see this in Bec, she has a maturity beyond her years. The family that she and Evan have founded will be a blessing to future generations. Today, I am also witness to a future that my son, David is planning with Amanda; it brings me great joy to see their love blossom and to know God is bringing them to a place of commitment for a future life together. I am enjoying the opportunities to get to know Amanda more, to enjoy her company and support them both on this journey.
This feels like a double edged reflection, and in some ways it is. My life is full, busy and hopefully productive. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had and excited about the future God has planned for Roderick and I. We are thankful for the family and friends that God has given to us and their place in our lives. Our prayer is that we are a blessing to those around us and that we may inspire others to be all that God has purposed them to be.
Decima
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